I’m not one to put too much stock in fate, but Differently Wired (Workman Publishing Company, 2018) seemed to pop into my life with strange synchronicity, just as my own son was flailing in a classroom setting. This book caught me off guard with how effortlessly it represented my experience, and likely will for many others. Author Deborah Reber uses “differently wired” as a term for millions of people (1 in 5 school-aged children) with neurodifferences such as ADHD, giftedness, autism, learning disabilities, and anxiety. Her book strives to redefine how neurodiversity is perceived in the world and to offer a new, inclusive paradigm. Her mission is to create a world for our children where they feel seen and respected, and to change the negative and pathologizing messages that our children absorb about their identities. Reber offers comfort, validation, advice, and relief to empower both parents and children to embrace themselves and self-advocate. It is part parenting book, part self-care manual, and is loaded with astute psychological insights.
For any parent who has navigated the treacherous waters of the educational system with an atypical learner, Reber feels your pain. She ultimately decided to home school her son, Asher, after relocating to Amsterdam for her husband’s job. Despite much internal resistance, this turned out to be a liberating journey for her whole family, and one that she is paying forward with an international online community in her TiLT Parenting podcast and website.
Reber is sensitive to the fact that some are offended by hearing parents who have children with autism “complain” about their situation, suggesting it only increases the stigmatization of the diagnosis. However, as Reber says, “Let’s be real.” Parenting a differently wired child is hard, and all parents need a forum to vent. A 2e child presents exponentially more challenges than a neurotypical child. This is not meant to make the child feel responsible. Many of the challenges stem from the system around us, and therefore it’s about changing the system, not those who don’t conform to it. She gives permission for parents to have their own experience — to grieve and mourn for an easier life. We all need places to seek encouragement without feeling shame.
Ultimately, Differently Wired is about two big ideas: letting go and acceptance. Imagine letting go of all the expectations of what you and your child’s life “should” look like. Letting go of all the pressure to conform, the judgments, our own biases, and just accepting children for who they are. Most importantly, and perhaps the hardest for some of us, is to move away from fear and embrace possibility.
Reber offers 18 “Tilts.” Each is “one big idea for a tangible, doable shift we can make in our lives.” While the idea is big (and the results can be, as well), the suggested adjustments are small. They are not more tasks to stress out about. They include such gems as “Question Everything You Knew About Parenting” and “Stop Fighting Who Your Child Is and Lean In,” ultimately ending with, “If It Doesn’t Exist, Create It.”
The “Tilts” bring up a host of thought-provoking and uncomfortable questions — in a good way. Like stop apologizing for your child’s behavior and have his or her back. I read this particular chapter on a day before I took my son out on the town. We were headed to a comedic children’s show at a small theater. My son was sitting outside the ladies room on a bench, happily stimming as he waited for me. This is something we call the “happy squirrel” because he rubs his nose fervently and makes high-pitched squealing sounds. When I came out, an usher exclaimed, “Are you the mother of this child?” with a judgy, contemptuous scowl. Instead of my usual apology, I enthusiastically said, “Yes, he’s very excited for the show!” and marched him upstairs. That covered Tilt 4, “Let Go of What Others Think,” and even better, Tilt 11, “Let Go of Your Impossible Expectations for Who You ‘Should’ Be as a Parent.” Two birds with one stone.
Reber is a strong advocate for “relentless self-care” and helps parents examine the messages being modeled for their children. She points out how we often focus on helping our children with things like finding coping mechanisms, while ignoring the obvious need for developing our own. This bleeds into the fact that our emotional energy impacts these sensitive souls. Our own emotional regulation is critical to our child’s sense of well-being. Without speaking extensively about mindfulness, she embodies its philosophy by creating a self-care routine that allows her to show up and be present as a parent.
[perfectpullquote align=”full” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””][Reber’s] mission is to create a world for our children where they feel seen and respected, and to change the negative and pathologizing messages that our children absorb about their identities.[/perfectpullquote]
Other “Tilts” involve looking closely at the relationship between the parents and how that dynamic may be out of balance. Often one parent may downplay the child’s struggles and get stuck in denial, while the other parent is carrying the load. Sometimes one parent prefers to be in control, while subtly pushing the other parent out. Reber emphasizes the importance of creating a thoughtful and compassionate alliance with your partner.
In one of the more poignant chapters, Reber expounds the value of community. “Community changes everything. It lifts us up, it deepens our well of resources, it fuels our bravery, it allows us to be our authentic selves. … It reminds me that we, and our children, are not alone” (p. 217).
Every day, my son tells us he feels that he just doesn’t belong in this world. If you ever wanted to feel hopeful that there could be a world out there where difference is embraced, and you can be a part of the change, this is the book to get you inspired. 
