If only teenagers would believe us when we tell them, “Therapy is going to be so great for you!”
Few adolescents enter therapy voluntarily. More than likely, they go because their parents, teachers, or some authority figure has told them that they need it. It is no wonder that their first reaction is one of resistance.
In dealing with your teenager’s resistance, it is important to understand and reframe therapy so you can respond in a way that does not make them feel alone and blamed. It also is important to understand the psychological construct of resistance and what it means for your teen.
Resistance is a defense mechanism. For teenagers, it serves to protect their delicate inner self, their emerging selfhood, as they develop in profound ways: cognitively, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Unfortunately, anger and frustration often are the reflexive emotions that communicate resistance, and avoiding a power struggle with your teen can be difficult.
As a parent, it is necessary to reconceptualize what your adolescent’s resistance represents. If you can understand what the resistance is about, you can respond in an empathic and productive way. Remember that this is not personal or about you. Although it may feel that way, it is imperative to try and remain emotionally centered. That way, you are able to directly respond in a calm, non-reactive manner, and with a respectful tone.
Your adolescent’s anger, frustration, irritation, or tantrum is communicating something important: fear of the unknown, fear of criticism, fear about self-disclosure, fear about having to talk to someone they do not know, fear of having to change, or fear of another adult telling them that what they are thinking, feeling, and doing is wrong. The adolescent’s resistance is an attempt to avoid something negative at all costs. Teenagers might not always be the best judge of what they need, but it is important to give them a chance to explain how they feel.
To help your child overcome therapy resistance, frame the importance of therapy but do not “oversell” the idea. Often parents say, “We are doing this for you, we want to help you, you will get great tools from therapy!” Even if this is true, the resistant teenager did not ask for this help and, therefore, does not want it. How would you feel if you were forced to go to a doctor when you did not want to? There is good reason for your adolescent to be resistant!
[perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]The adolescent’s resistance is an attempt to avoid something negative at all costs.[/perfectpullquote]
Overcoming this resistance is difficult but not impossible. Below are guideposts to keep in mind as you navigate these challenging conversations:
- Empathize with their emotions and verbally reflect back to them that you see and hear what they are feeling (be it frustration, annoyance, irritation, anger, etc.). Listening and reflecting makes the other person feel heard on an authentic level.
- Continue making an effort to listen to how they feel, as strengthening your connection and communication with your teenager increases the likelihood that they will turn to you for support when they are ready.
- Be sensitive and do not single out your child as “the one with the problem,” as that is rarely the case.
- Make therapy a collaborative affair. There is an interconnectedness with all family members in how they interact, react, achieve balance, and communicate, all within the spoken and unspoken rules and boundaries that define a family’s system.
- Let your adolescent know that all of the family can benefit from an outside perspective and that their behaviors are saying this loud and clear.
- Model that you too are open to change, to learning new skills, to thinking differently, and to being a supportive member of the family.
