My daughter came home from a sleepover (yes, attending a sleepover was an accomplishment in itself!) with a new T-shirt. Her friend is a crafty sort, as in Martha Stewart crafty. Wait, that’s confusing. Crafty as in Martha Stewart of the television show, not Martha Stewart in the orange jumpsuit. Anyway, my daughter and her friend decided to decorate T-shirts during their sleepover, and my daughter was proudly showing hers off as she walked through the door.
In her wobbly dyspraxic handwriting, she’d written, “I’m autistic and there’s good things and bad things about being autistic.” My eyes puddled, and I saw a glimmer of hope that my daughter will maneuver through this world beautifully and in her own unique and splendid way.
Here was this 10-year-old girl proudly embracing her autism and doing what she could to educate and advocate for herself and people similar to her. Earlier in the year, her teacher marveled at how my daughter fielded questions about her accommodations, like chewing gum, wiggle seats, and weighted vests. Her teacher said, “She just explains about her wiring and why these things help her. It’s amazing to watch.” When I asked my daughter about this, she said, “Well, I figure that not only will it help them understand me, but maybe they’ll be kinder when they come across another kid with different wiring.” Happy sigh.
I know that we have some tumultuous, identity-questioning years ahead of us, but for the moment, my daughter has fully embraced her identity as an amazing gifted girl with autism, dyspraxia, and epilepsy. And really, isn’t that what we all hope for our children? That they can understand themselves and embrace their uniqueness, yet not be defined or feel limited by their diagnoses?
As a therapist, I’ve seen many kids who have experienced significant emotional crises as they’ve struggled to accept their differences. I’ve seen kids sacrifice their true identities at the altar of fitting in. I’ve talked with kids who were suicidal, riddled with social anxiety, and living with constant fear, self-doubt, and feelings of unworthiness, all because they were uniquely wired.
What a shame to see these beautiful souls muddied by a social context that rarely embraces their true identities. It’s a tough world for twice-exceptional children, which makes it all that more important to help boost their acceptance of who they are as 2e kids.
Here are some things that we can do as parents, teachers, counselors, and advocates for 2e students in our efforts to support them:
We Need to Talk to Them About Their Labels
Let me answer that question once and for all. YES you should tell your child that he/she is gifted, autistic, ADHD, fill in the blank with whatever applies. Our kids sense their difference from a very early age. Often I hear teenagers recall being five, six, or seven, and feeling like they didn’t belong, knowing that they were different. I’ve had five-, six-, and seven-year olds walk into my office and insist they were aliens. Our kids know they are different, and unless we provide reasons for this, they’ll create their own. And these reasons often can be damaging to one’s self-concept.
Talk to them about their labels. And don’t just give them the name, but explain it. Bring it up in conversation regularly. Point out when you notice their wiring differences impacting their world or interactions with others. Talk to them.
Be Real
Sugar coating and taking a Pollyanna-esque approach to differences reinforces the need to hide from the reality of their wiring. I know how painful it is to hear your child say they wish they were never born, make birthday wishes to change their wiring, or be frustrated that they simply can’t tolerate afterschool activities and collapse into a sobbing heap on the bed because they so desperately want to participate in new things. We want to fix it. We want to reassure our kids that they are perfectly made.
[perfectpullquote align=”full” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]What a shame to see these beautiful souls muddied by a social context that rarely embraces their true identities. It’s a tough world for twice-exceptional children, which makes it all that more important to help boost their acceptance of who they are as 2e kids.[/perfectpullquote]
But we can’t. We need to hear them out. We need to tolerate our own feelings of grief, anxiety, and pain and just sit with our kids in theirs. Yes, there are plenty of things that absolutely suck about being a twice-exceptional person. Validate that. Let them grieve that their lives look different than they sometimes want them to. Sit with them, hold them (if you can), say, “Ugh, that sounds so difficult. I get sad about those things too.”
Model Self-Acceptance
It can’t just start with our kids. They learn how to treat themselves by watching how we treat ourselves. If we are complaining that we need to lose 25 pounds or if we dodge compliments as if they were toxic, rotten tomatoes, or if we neglect important parts of ourselves and our interests, our kids see it and they mimic it. If they see us timidly acknowledging our own giftedness or outright denying it, they’ll learn that it isn’t something they should embrace either. Do the internal work you need to do to embrace yourself and model that for your child.
Separate Behavior from Personhood
Let’s be real—2e kids can have 2x the exceptional meltdowns and explosions. Behavior can be intense, violent, and out of control. Remember that their behavior is not who they are, it is what they are trying to communicate. They lack the skills to communicate—or even identify—needs before their system is overloaded and things get nuclear. Separate their behavior from their identity, both in your mind and out of your mouth.
I’ve had the privilege of working with many 2e kids and every single one of them felt shame: shame that they couldn’t control themselves, shame that they said things that were hurtful, shame that they felt things so hugely, and shame that they were different. We need to help them separate their behavior from their identities as well. One easy way is to come up with a name or label for those times when they are out of control. We have my daughter KBear and then we also have Flipped KBear. We reinforce that her thinking brain was totally disconnected when Flipped KBear came to visit. We get that it wasn’t her choice to kick a hole in her wall. She is a lovable person who sometimes gets overwhelmed and can’t think straight. Flipped KBear is responsible for the behaviors. KBear is responsible for trying to identify when Flipped KBear is knocking on the door and engaging in regulation activities that will keep Flipped KBear outside.
Be an Advocate
Let your child see you talking about neurodiversity. Let them see you standing up for differing worldviews. Help your child learn the words to advocate for their own needs. Let them see you advocating for your own needs. Be an advocate.
Helping our children understand and embrace their unique identities is one of the greatest gifts we could give them. It isn’t easy. There are many times my daughter still wishes she were born with different wiring than she has, but that’s part of growing comfortable in her identity. That’s part of growing comfortable in any of our identities.
After all, as the T-shirt says, there are good things and bad things about being autistic.
