This four-part series provides a glimpse into what it takes to build and run a successful school for 2e children. It will offer teachers a primer of what 2e students need to thrive, and show parents how they can help or hinder the work of specialized educators. Additionally, it can help medical and therapeutic professionals understand the emotional and social pressures of being 2e. I have worked with 2e children and their families for 20 years, and have created and operated a school for 2e children for the past nine years. This series will celebrate the exceptional abilities, and tackle the most difficult aspects of working with 2e students and their families, through day-in-the-life stories from my school. Stories are how we humans relate to each other, learn from each other, and develop empathy for each other. Read Part 1 of the series | Read Part 2 of the series
Raising 2e children is a difficult, complex, and often confusing job.
Recently, I met with a family looking for an appropriate placement for their son. The boy already was displaying levels of genius at the ripe old age of five. He also had high anxiety, overexcitabilities, and sensory issues. I began explaining why it is so critical for 2e children to be educated in a school that is radically different from the status quo.
Dad, who was a highly successful financial executive, was not convinced. He felt his son would do well in a prep school that had exceptionally high academics. I cautioned that the traditional, linear-sequential learning model does not work for 2e children. These children are not just square pegs being pounded into a round hole, but prickly, multi-spiked pegs; and every time we knock off one of those spikes to make them more “well-rounded,” we take away what they might become.
Each 2e child has a uniquely shaped hole in the world that only they can fill. Our job is to give them an education that ensures they grow up capable of filling that hole. I told Dad that his son needs to learn in a flexible environment that doesn’t place any limits or ceilings on his learning — that he really needed to stay connected to his passions and focus on his strengths, even if that passion is a deep understanding of animals, or a talent for art, or a genius for tinkering. There should not be a hierarchy of subjects; every child’s strengths and passions should be equally important to the educators. I looked at Dad and said, “This is the approach that will make your child the most likely to find the joy of his true vocation.”
Suddenly Dad began to cry. Not just tears running down his cheeks, but face crumpled, snot running, ugly cry. I offered tissues and a comforting hand on his arm, and eventually he was able to choke out, “I wanted to be an architect.”
Oftentimes, the parent of a 2e child is 2e themselves, and it is not easy to be a 2e person in our world. So many of the issues we must deal with to help our children can trigger response to our own trauma. Every time your child is rejected, bullied, humiliated, labeled, mislabeled, ignored, or punished, your own trauma rears its poisonous head. As parents/caregivers of 2e children, we are trying to figure out how to support them when we might not even have figured it out for ourselves yet. We might be viewed as highly successful by others but still feel like we are frauds. We know our failures: our relationship history might be pretty checkered; we might be prone to nerd raging when others don’t follow our thought process; we may be rigidly clinging to our perspective; we might hate the social and work interactions we are forced to do. And despite unrelenting efforts, we might still feel we are failing as parents/caregivers.
So how do we support ourselves so we can support our children? The first step is to acknowledge that your child is atypical. They will not respond typically to anything. Each child needs a unique approach of course, but there are some common strategies that work:
Find a group of parents/caregivers who are also raising 2e children. I can’t stress this enough. You need true peers who understand both the joys and hardships of parenting 2e children. You should be able to tell your group that your five-year-old just finished high school-level calculus, or is a natural dog trainer, or can cook a perfect soufflé, without getting that look. You should also be able talk about your child’s monumental meltdown because his socks are too tight, or she can hear the lights, or that we are destroying the rainforests. You don’t need another ignorant, judgmental person telling you that you are not parenting right. You need a community of like-minded people who can relate to your experiences. Having someone get you, support you, and defend you heals all those broken telomeres and adds years to your life. Whether it is an online group, a pen pal, a meetup group, or a professionally supported group, both introvert and extrovert parents/caregivers can find people to fill their community. Just do it!
[perfectpullquote align=”left” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]These children are not just square pegs being pounded into a round hole, but prickly, multi-spiked pegs; and every time we knock off one of those spikes to make them more “well-rounded,” we take away what they might become.[/perfectpullquote]
Educate yourself on attachment, co-regulation, and teaching pro-social skills. These three aspects of social and emotional interrelatedness are often impaired in 2e people. If your parent rejected you, wouldn’t comfort you, or was unpredictable in their response to your needs, you will likely have attachment issues with your child. If you have always had a hair trigger, or an intense need to argue or be right, you will have a difficult time teaching your child how to take perspective and be empathetic. If your sensory system is always on overload, you will not be able to be the calming influence needed to help your child learn to co-regulate their emotions. We have to understand, accept, and heal ourselves before we can compassionately and effectively help our children.
Be an empathetic parent. Your child has a reason for everything they do, and they need your help figuring out how to relate to others. Ross Green’s The Lens Changer app is a free and amazing way to analyze behaviors and design a successful discipline approach, based on his deep research. Dr. Green says that all behavioral issues are due to lagging skills and unsolved problems. I agree. For 2e children, poor behavior is almost always related to sensory overwhelm, anxiety, and boredom. Do they need support in coping with their anxiety? Do they have lagging skills that keep them from accessing information, which leads to boredom? Are they so overwhelmed by overexcitabilities and sensory issues that they literally cannot think? Our children often go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode because their lizard brain has overtaken their higher cognitive skills. Parents need to be the calming influence and model how to cope with life’s problems in a constructive way. I know this is not easy. I am a parent of 2e children. I have worked with 2e children most of my professional life. They are masters at pushing all your buttons. But if the grown-ups don’t help them learn how to regulate their behaviors, they will use maladaptive strategies such as aggression, intimidation, and manipulation. They will become small, evil masterminds — and no one wants to deal with that.
Be an authoritative parent. Authoritative parents/caregivers know how to set positive boundaries and garner cooperation. This is especially key for 2e children. You cannot be an authoritarian, my-way-or-the-highway type of parent with 2e children. They will out-maneuver you because they have more time and energy (and maybe intellect) than you do. The harder you try to force them to behave, the harder they will push back. If you approach discipline with logic (which includes explaining the logic behind your decisions for them) and empathy (for their experiences, feelings, and needs), you will find that your 2e child will become more cooperative. They want to know why about everything. They want to feel like they have been heard and their needs considered. And they need you to be empathetic, even if they are crying because you didn’t spread the peanut butter in the right direction so they CANNOT eat THAT sandwich.
A parent/caregiver’s disciplinary style can have profound impact on their child’s ability to form attachment, be pro-social, and co-regulate their emotions. If parents/caregivers are sensitive, accepting, emotionally accessible, and cooperative, their children are more likely to develop secure attachment. If the caregivers are inconsistent, authoritarian, rejecting, critical, and unpredictable, their children will become emotionally isolated and have poor self-concept. Parents/caregivers who are able to adapt their parenting style to meet their child’s needs are much more likely to have socially/emotionally successful children. If you need help learning how to have better parenting/disciplinary skills, there are psychoeducational tools everywhere: community parenting groups and classes; therapeutic courses; and vast online resources. (I personally love Debbie Steinberg Kuntz’s Bright and Quirky summits because she has collected some of the best thinkers in the world into one easily accessible place.)
[perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]We have to understand, accept, and heal ourselves before we can compassionately and effectively help our children.[/perfectpullquote]
At Big Minds we use conversations about empathy as a way to resolve problems between students. When there is an issue, we approach with curiosity. “What do you need?” and “How can I help?” are the first words out of the adult’s mouth. Then we listen, without judgment, without interrupting, and without correcting the child. We let them know they have really been heard. Next, we help them explore how their actions might have impacted the other person. When we see that they are open and ready to consider another’s perspective, we bring the children back together to tell each other why they did what they did, how it made them feel, what they were worried about, and how the other’s actions impacted them. We guide the children through this discussion, co-regulating calm and acceptance.
Once they have truly acknowledged the other’s feelings and actions (which can be really difficult for 2e children), we have them explore collaborative solutions. They feel validated, embraced by the community, and empowered to solve problems. Eventually, they learn to do this without adult help. I have seen two children process these steps as they successfully resolve their issues, without any adult intervention. Viola! You now have a child who can deal with being a member of a cooperative, thoughtful community. What a skill to have for life! Trust me, even if it takes us years of intensive work to bring a child to this point, it is worth every difficult moment.
Raising and educating 2e children takes a great deal of patience, humor, creativity, intelligence, and energy. You won’t be your best self most of the time, but if you consistently try, and ask for understanding when you fail, it will be good enough. If you model self-care, self-efficacy, humility, and best efforts, your children will be what they see. Love yourself, forgive yourself, and don’t take yourself too seriously. In the end, we are all just trying to figure it out. Find a group of parents who really understand what you are going through and build a community. It really does take a village (and a library, and a museum, and a nature preserve, and a studio, and a science lab, and a …) to raise a 2e child.
Speaking of a village, in Part 4 of this series, we will look at what it takes to educate 2e children. The final section of this series will examine the following: •Educational theorists and challenging the system •Common pitfalls in working with 2e children •Learning your limits •Professional learning communities •Student-based learning and teaching •Whole picture learners and systems thinkers Whether you are a teacher, administrator, homeschooling parent, caregiver, or extended family member, this article will explain best practices for teaching our children and helping them reach their full potential.
Part 3: Family Matters
Raising 2e children is a difficult, complex, and often confusing job.
Recently, I met with a family looking for an appropriate placement for their son. The boy already was displaying levels of genius at the ripe old age of five. He also had high anxiety, overexcitabilities, and sensory issues. I began explaining why it is so critical for 2e children to be educated in a school that is radically different from the status quo.
Dad, who was a highly successful financial executive, was not convinced. He felt his son would do well in a prep school that had exceptionally high academics. I cautioned that the traditional, linear-sequential learning model does not work for 2e children. These children are not just square pegs being pounded into a round hole, but prickly, multi-spiked pegs; and every time we knock off one of those spikes to make them more “well-rounded,” we take away what they might become.
Each 2e child has a uniquely shaped hole in the world that only they can fill. Our job is to give them an education that ensures they grow up capable of filling that hole. I told Dad that his son needs to learn in a flexible environment that doesn’t place any limits or ceilings on his learning — that he really needed to stay connected to his passions and focus on his strengths, even if that passion is a deep understanding of animals, or a talent for art, or a genius for tinkering. There should not be a hierarchy of subjects; every child’s strengths and passions should be equally important to the educators. I looked at Dad and said, “This is the approach that will make your child the most likely to find the joy of his true vocation.”
Suddenly Dad began to cry. Not just tears running down his cheeks, but face crumpled, snot running, ugly cry. I offered tissues and a comforting hand on his arm, and eventually he was able to choke out, “I wanted to be an architect.”
Oftentimes, the parent of a 2e child is 2e themselves, and it is not easy to be a 2e person in our world. So many of the issues we must deal with to help our children can trigger response to our own trauma. Every time your child is rejected, bullied, humiliated, labeled, mislabeled, ignored, or punished, your own trauma rears its poisonous head. As parents/caregivers of 2e children, we are trying to figure out how to support them when we might not even have figured it out for ourselves yet. We might be viewed as highly successful by others but still feel like we are frauds. We know our failures: our relationship history might be pretty checkered; we might be prone to nerd raging when others don’t follow our thought process; we may be rigidly clinging to our perspective; we might hate the social and work interactions we are forced to do. And despite unrelenting efforts, we might still feel we are failing as parents/caregivers.
So how do we support ourselves so we can support our children? The first step is to acknowledge that your child is atypical. They will not respond typically to anything. Each child needs a unique approach of course, but there are some common strategies that work:
Find a group of parents/caregivers who are also raising 2e children. I can’t stress this enough. You need true peers who understand both the joys and hardships of parenting 2e children. You should be able to tell your group that your five-year-old just finished high school-level calculus, or is a natural dog trainer, or can cook a perfect soufflé, without getting that look. You should also be able talk about your child’s monumental meltdown because his socks are too tight, or she can hear the lights, or that we are destroying the rainforests. You don’t need another ignorant, judgmental person telling you that you are not parenting right. You need a community of like-minded people who can relate to your experiences. Having someone get you, support you, and defend you heals all those broken telomeres and adds years to your life. Whether it is an online group, a pen pal, a meetup group, or a professionally supported group, both introvert and extrovert parents/caregivers can find people to fill their community. Just do it!
[perfectpullquote align=”left” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]These children are not just square pegs being pounded into a round hole, but prickly, multi-spiked pegs; and every time we knock off one of those spikes to make them more “well-rounded,” we take away what they might become.[/perfectpullquote]
Educate yourself on attachment, co-regulation, and teaching pro-social skills. These three aspects of social and emotional interrelatedness are often impaired in 2e people. If your parent rejected you, wouldn’t comfort you, or was unpredictable in their response to your needs, you will likely have attachment issues with your child. If you have always had a hair trigger, or an intense need to argue or be right, you will have a difficult time teaching your child how to take perspective and be empathetic. If your sensory system is always on overload, you will not be able to be the calming influence needed to help your child learn to co-regulate their emotions. We have to understand, accept, and heal ourselves before we can compassionately and effectively help our children.
Be an empathetic parent. Your child has a reason for everything they do, and they need your help figuring out how to relate to others. Ross Green’s The Lens Changer app is a free and amazing way to analyze behaviors and design a successful discipline approach, based on his deep research. Dr. Green says that all behavioral issues are due to lagging skills and unsolved problems. I agree. For 2e children, poor behavior is almost always related to sensory overwhelm, anxiety, and boredom. Do they need support in coping with their anxiety? Do they have lagging skills that keep them from accessing information, which leads to boredom? Are they so overwhelmed by overexcitabilities and sensory issues that they literally cannot think? Our children often go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode because their lizard brain has overtaken their higher cognitive skills. Parents need to be the calming influence and model how to cope with life’s problems in a constructive way. I know this is not easy. I am a parent of 2e children. I have worked with 2e children most of my professional life. They are masters at pushing all your buttons. But if the grown-ups don’t help them learn how to regulate their behaviors, they will use maladaptive strategies such as aggression, intimidation, and manipulation. They will become small, evil masterminds — and no one wants to deal with that.
Be an authoritative parent. Authoritative parents/caregivers know how to set positive boundaries and garner cooperation. This is especially key for 2e children. You cannot be an authoritarian, my-way-or-the-highway type of parent with 2e children. They will out-maneuver you because they have more time and energy (and maybe intellect) than you do. The harder you try to force them to behave, the harder they will push back. If you approach discipline with logic (which includes explaining the logic behind your decisions for them) and empathy (for their experiences, feelings, and needs), you will find that your 2e child will become more cooperative. They want to know why about everything. They want to feel like they have been heard and their needs considered. And they need you to be empathetic, even if they are crying because you didn’t spread the peanut butter in the right direction so they CANNOT eat THAT sandwich.
A parent/caregiver’s disciplinary style can have profound impact on their child’s ability to form attachment, be pro-social, and co-regulate their emotions. If parents/caregivers are sensitive, accepting, emotionally accessible, and cooperative, their children are more likely to develop secure attachment. If the caregivers are inconsistent, authoritarian, rejecting, critical, and unpredictable, their children will become emotionally isolated and have poor self-concept. Parents/caregivers who are able to adapt their parenting style to meet their child’s needs are much more likely to have socially/emotionally successful children. If you need help learning how to have better parenting/disciplinary skills, there are psychoeducational tools everywhere: community parenting groups and classes; therapeutic courses; and vast online resources. (I personally love Debbie Steinberg Kuntz’s Bright and Quirky summits because she has collected some of the best thinkers in the world into one easily accessible place.)
[perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]We have to understand, accept, and heal ourselves before we can compassionately and effectively help our children.[/perfectpullquote]
At Big Minds we use conversations about empathy as a way to resolve problems between students. When there is an issue, we approach with curiosity. “What do you need?” and “How can I help?” are the first words out of the adult’s mouth. Then we listen, without judgment, without interrupting, and without correcting the child. We let them know they have really been heard. Next, we help them explore how their actions might have impacted the other person. When we see that they are open and ready to consider another’s perspective, we bring the children back together to tell each other why they did what they did, how it made them feel, what they were worried about, and how the other’s actions impacted them. We guide the children through this discussion, co-regulating calm and acceptance.
Once they have truly acknowledged the other’s feelings and actions (which can be really difficult for 2e children), we have them explore collaborative solutions. They feel validated, embraced by the community, and empowered to solve problems. Eventually, they learn to do this without adult help. I have seen two children process these steps as they successfully resolve their issues, without any adult intervention. Viola! You now have a child who can deal with being a member of a cooperative, thoughtful community. What a skill to have for life! Trust me, even if it takes us years of intensive work to bring a child to this point, it is worth every difficult moment.
Raising and educating 2e children takes a great deal of patience, humor, creativity, intelligence, and energy. You won’t be your best self most of the time, but if you consistently try, and ask for understanding when you fail, it will be good enough. If you model self-care, self-efficacy, humility, and best efforts, your children will be what they see. Love yourself, forgive yourself, and don’t take yourself too seriously. In the end, we are all just trying to figure it out. Find a group of parents who really understand what you are going through and build a community. It really does take a village (and a library, and a museum, and a nature preserve, and a studio, and a science lab, and a …) to raise a 2e child.
Speaking of a village, in Part 4 of this series, we will look at what it takes to educate 2e children. The final section of this series will examine the following: •Educational theorists and challenging the system •Common pitfalls in working with 2e children •Learning your limits •Professional learning communities •Student-based learning and teaching •Whole picture learners and systems thinkers Whether you are a teacher, administrator, homeschooling parent, caregiver, or extended family member, this article will explain best practices for teaching our children and helping them reach their full potential.
