Book Excerpt: Raising Twice-Exceptional Children

The following is an excerpt from Raising Twice-Exceptional Children: A Handbook for Parents of Neurodivergent Gifted Kids by Emily Kircher-Morris. It was published in January 2022 by Routledge/Taylor & Francis. The book aims to provide readers a “road map to understand the complex make-up of their gifted-plus, or twice-exceptional, child or teen.”

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Talking about Twice-Exceptionality

  Parents have many types of reactions and emotions about talking  to their children about being twice-exceptional. Often, many of those emotions are tied up with their own feelings about the diagnosis. Will their child interpret the information as something being wrong with them? Will they use the diagnosis as an excuse to reduce their effort on overcoming difficulties? Are they mature enough to understand what it all means? Let’s start with what most would consider an easier conversation: Families may feel uncertain how to talk to their child about being identified as gifted. They may want to prevent their child from feeling different or they may worry it will become fodder for an overgrown ego. It might be more difficult to hide this label if your child is invited to participate in a gifted program than if they’ve received an individual diagnosis provided outside of the school. Generally, gifted kids know there is something different before anyone has to tell them, and handling that conversation in a matter-of- fact and straightforward way is the best course of action. Framing giftedness as a “not better than or less than, just different from” type of neurodivergence is a good starting point. “Your brain learns differently and sometimes faster than the other kids your age so your teachers might need to find some different ways to present the information you’re supposed to learn so it is the best fit for how your brain grows.” There’s no reason not to handle conversations about your child’s other exceptionality in the same way. Be matter-of- fact, highlighting both strengths and struggles. “The testing that we did shows that your brain works a little differently. Dyslexia means that the pathways in your brain that help you to read are wired a little differently; it means connecting sounds to letters is a little tricky even though you have great understanding of what the words mean. Dyslexic brains also are known for their creativity.” Here are some tips on how to talk to your child about their diagnosis.

1. Be aware of your own emotions about your child’s diagnosis and needs.
2. Facilitate a matter-of- fact conversation about being twice-exceptional. Focus on both the strengths and struggles.
3. Encourage your child to ask questions. Research together if you don’t know the answer.
4. Consider using some of the following questions to deepen the conversation, depending on your child’s interest and ability.
5. Have you heard of these terms/diagnoses before? What do you know about them?
6. In what ways do you think you fit into these characteristics? Are there some that fit and some that don’t?
7. What thoughts/emotions do you have about knowing you are twice-exceptional?
8. What can we do at home and school right now that might be helpful to you?
9. Create an “Opportunities and Obstacles” Venn diagram or T-chart together to explore the benefits and drawbacks of twice-exceptionality.
10. Pause the conversation at the end and remind your child that this is a conversation that will keep going. They can bring it up anytime they feel it would be helpful.

As your child gets older, the conversation surrounding twice-exceptionality will evolve. They’ll have more questions and more self-awareness of how it impacts them. Neurodiversity-affirming families will encourage these conversations and normalize the fact that some people’s brains work differently than others. [dropshadowbox align=”none” effect=”lifted-both” width=”auto” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]Opportunities and Obstacles Taking the time to reflect on individual strengths and areas for growth can be a part of the conversation you have with your child. Brainstorm the pros and cons with them, listing the areas of twice-exceptionality that are a benefit and the areas that are more difficult. You could also create a Venn diagram because there may be some factors that go in the middle, that have both benefits and drawbacks.[/dropshadowbox] Sharing about Twice-Exceptionality with Family and Friends Talking to family and friends about twice-exceptionality can be tricky. There are so many prejudices and stereotypes about neurodiversity, it can be like navigating a minefield. “Are you bragging about your kid being gifted?” “If they’re so smart, why do they act that way?” “Why would you want your kid in the gifted program if they are dyslexic?” The lack of awareness surrounding neurodiversity combined with the fact that only a small percentage of the world is neurodivergent makes it difficult to find a safe space to talk about your concerns and commiserate with other parents. Many people will want to share their opinion or ideas. Determining who you’d like to know about your child’s diagnosis is a decision you and your child should make together. You can choose to empower your child to have some control over who is given the information about their neurodivergence by asking their permission before sharing. This autonomy has less to do with whether the other person knows about their twice-exceptionality and more to do with your relationship with your child. Involving them in the decision about who receives this privileged information makes them an active participant in their own lives and encourages healthy boundaries and self-advocacy. If your child struggles in social situations due to social anxiety, lagging social skills, or impulsive behavior, but masks well enough that people also see how bright they are, it is possible you’ll be on the receiving end of judgmental commentary of your poor parenting skills. Brace yourself, let it slide, and take a moment to educate the offending person about neurodiversity and the trauma an entire generation of neurodivergent folks experienced by having their differences disciplined out of them. (Okay, maybe decide on the lecture part on a case-by- case basis.) You may have close family and friends who struggle to understand your child’s needs, however, you are in a position where you are required to be around them on certain occasions, like holidays or other events. Parents have shared with me some horror stories of conversations about trying to explain their child’s needs. From suggesting disproven theories as cause and solution for neurodivergent struggles to offering to pray so a higher power might remove the “affliction” from the child, these well-meaning but extremely misguided attempts can leave parents of 2e kids feeling angry, discouraged, and isolated. When you find yourself advocating for your child with close family members and friends, you are also advocating for yourself. Ask yourself what it is that you need from those who are close to you and let them know how they can support you and your child through understanding and compassion. I wish I had the solution to handing some of the more difficult relationships and conversations. It is easy to suggest ideas. Set clear boundaries! Provide information! Don’t take it personally! However, I know most of these relationships have a lot more history and don’t exist in a vacuum. The bottom line: You know your child and you know what they need. Try to give these folks  the benefit of the doubt that they are attempting to help with whatever resources and information they have available. Finding Community When we’re talking about a small community of individuals (and twice-exceptional kids are members of at least two small communities simultaneously), geographic barriers can be extremely limiting. One of the wonderful aspects of technology and social media is the ability to find and connect with others who are sharing your experience. Hearing about others’ experiences and getting support from others who’ve been where you are is a huge part of self-care as a parent. The feeling of universality that community provides can become a touchpoint when it feels like nobody else understands what you are going through to support your 2e child. Knowing that other people have succeeded in accessing services or getting their child through college might give you a sigh of relief. Jen Merrill offered advice on self-care and the importance of finding community on episode 33 of the podcast.

I highly recommend pushing past your comfort zone or your introversion, or whatever you need to do, and find others in a similar leaking boat, because we’re all trying to bail water, with a cracked styrofoam cup. … Just for starters right there, if you’re feeling less alone, that’s a relief. The internet has been a great blessing in that respect because before finding [people] online I could count on one hand the number of families I know with gifted kids who would understand.¹   Other resources are available, too. There are podcasts and blogs that can provide a more in-depth look at people’s experiences with twice-exceptionality. You may be able to find a small support group of six or eight members that meets regularly in person or virtually to offer guidance and support. Parenting a twice-exceptional child doesn’t have to be a solo event.

  [dropshadowbox align=”none” effect=”lifted-both” width=”auto” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]What “They” Say “They” always have lots of comments about what others “should” be doing. I don’t know who gave “them” all this power to make theses pronouncements, but I’m giving you permission to ignore whatever it is. One last consideration about talking to people about twice-exceptionality is related to how you listen to others. There are a lot of myths and misunderstandings about all types of neurodivergence. There’s also an expectation that 2e kids “should” reach milestones according to their overall cognitive ability, but their uneven development is unlikely to align with those benchmarks. Remember that your child is an individual and will master those skills at a rate that is appropriate for them. Focus on individual progress and how far you’ve come instead of what everyone else says about what your child “should” be able to do. And forget whatever it is that “they” say.[/dropshadowbox]   Chapter Reflection

• What does my child know about being twice-exceptional? Do they need more information?
• Do the people who are close to my family understand twice-exceptionality? Are they willing to learn? What do I need from the people who are close to me?
• What connections do I have to the neurodiversity-parenting community? Do I feel fulfilled or should I seek other opportunities to link up with others in similar situations?

Note

1. Merrill, J. (2019, May 29). Note to self – be nice to me [Audio blog interview]. Retrieved from https://neurodiversitypodcast.com/home/2019/5/29/episode-33-note-to-self-be-nice-to-me

 

Communicating for Connection

  How much influence do parents hold over their children? How significantly do we really impact their overall development? When I think about the influence of peer relationships, internalized societal messages, and a child’s inborn personality, I realize our level of influence is much smaller than we’d like it to be. We can nudge and prod and bribe, but ultimately, our children belong to themselves and we’re supporting actors in their lives. The only area where we truly have the ability to facilitate change is inside our relationship with our children. The well-known psychologist, Carl Rogers, talked about the importance of the therapeutic relationship and how the most important healing part of the relationship between a therapist and their client takes place through the unconditional positive regard a clinician provides to their clients.1 The same is true for parenting. Our connection with our children is a microcosm of how they will learn to interact with the outside world. As our children grow, they try on various personas. How we react lays the foundation for openness and trust with our children. Do we accept them and validate their attempts to create an identity for themselves? Is it possible as parents to provide structure and support for our children, even when they are engaging in behavior we would prefer for them to stop? How can we let our children know that the space in our family, within our relationship, is the safest place to figure out exactly who they are? Our relationship with our children is created through communication – what we say, how we say it, and what our actions show about what we mean. Because the world gives twice-exceptional children so many mixed messages about who they are and who they should be, it is especially important for us to be as consistent with our communication as possible. Understanding our children and ourselves is key to providing this stability. Communicating for Second-Order Change Underlying the work we are doing to build connection with our neurodivergent kids is the intent of creating change. We want our kids to be more empowered, independent, and contented in their lives. We want our houses to be calmer and to let down our guard about our children’s success at school. We want harmonious relationships that don’t rely on power struggles and strategic maneuvering to get things done. Families in my office share with me all the things they’ve already tried with their kids – behavior charts, cash for grades, punishments, bribery – and that nothing has worked. They want to know the magic, the one thing that is going to fix all of the difficulties they’ve had. During sessions, both kids and parents revert to these behaviorist strategies that society has ingrained in us as the only way to facilitate change. But a new behavior chart or a new study strategy – these all might work in the short term, but they are first-order changes. These are changes that occur within the system that already exists, and we already know this system isn’t working. We need a new system. A new system involves second-order change. We need a way to look at things differently and find new solutions. This second-order change involves breaking free from the systems that aren’t working and creating something new. For neurodivergent families, this has to start with communication and a collaborative effort between parents and kids. The changes we need to implement might seem slight, but they are significant. For example, one of the major themes you’ll see addressed throughout this book are ways that we can work to shift the power of decision-making and change to our kids. Instead of using a behavior chart to earn a prize at the end of the week, we take the valuable part of this exercise – having a way to monitor and keep track of specific responsibilities – and turn it into a tool that a child uses to self-evaluate and self-regulate their actions. Without a prize or a consequence tied to it, we are transcending the common system that is often oppressive and damaging to relationships. We are facilitating second-order change. Communication that is consistent and solution-focused is the first step to creating this change.

Tools for Communication

There are subtle shifts we can make in how we communicate with our children to offer space for them to solve their own problems. When we allow our kids to solve their own problems, we provide them autonomy and send them the message that we trust them. The first step to facilitating these conversations involves holding back our knee-jerk response to correct, suggest, or solve. Refraining from judgment during these conversations is key to preventing a relationship where our kids are afraid to tell us things because they think we are going to tell them all the things they are doing wrong. Take some time and observe how you respond when you hear something that elicits a strong emotional response from you. How might the other person perceive your reaction? How will their perception influence what they say or do next? What about the next time they have something to tell you? Will they be inclined to talk to you about it or will they hesitate? Utilizing a therapeutic mindset as a parent involves keeping a neutral, nonjudgmental reaction to information that is shared. My go-to statements after someone discloses something that catches me off guard in the therapy room are “Wow. I wasn’t expecting to hear that,” and “Okay. I’m curious to hear more.” It is, of course, much easier to keep this stance of neutrality in the counseling office with children who aren’t my own. But, even at home, I do my best to push the pause button on my immediate reaction, knowing that my voice and response will greatly influence the course of the conversation and possibly preclude my kids from processing a situation in a way that fosters independence. Another component of holding onto my judgment in conversations is giving the benefit of the doubt, even when it is clear that I’m being given some elaborations or half-truths. For example, sometimes I’ll have clients who share their version of an event that immediately sets off an alarm in my mind that something doesn’t add up. Perhaps the story doesn’t align with what they’ve told me in previous sessions, or it directly contradicts what their parents have told me about a situation. If I derail the conversation in order to figure out what is “true,” I may lose the opportunity to facilitate change. I might undermine their trust and damage our relationship. But, if I give them the benefit of the doubt and work within the context of what they’ve shared, we can often work around to the same solutions that we would have otherwise. For example, your child is talking about a situation at school involving missing work. They are blaming the teacher for not being clear about directions, but you are fairly sure this was an organizational error on your child’s part. Rather than directing your focus on your child’s shortcomings with organization or immediately contradicting the possibility that their teacher’s directions were flawed, start by validating their experience. “Ugh! I know how frustrating that can be when directions aren’t clear. Tell me exactly what happened.” As they elaborate, listen for opportunities to work accountability into the conversation. Gently suggest ways to shift the conversation to actionable steps: “I wonder what other kids did,” or “I wonder if there is a way we can make sure you don’t get stuck in this situation again.” By facilitating this conversation with a nonjudgmental tone and giving them the benefit of the doubt, we are shepherding them toward solutions that are their own, plus we escape being cast in the role of the villain. There are other ideas to help facilitate healthy problem-solving conversations with your child. The following list provides some ideas of communication strategies that facilitate nonjudgmental, open conversations:

• Paraphrasing: Listening to what your child shares with you and simply restating what they’ve told you in your own words. “It sounds like you’re saying …”
• Reflection of feeling: Providing a label for the emotion it appears your child is exhibiting.
• Asking for elaboration: Using a simple “tell me more” to gather more information and encourage sharing.
• Identifying obstacles: Prompting your child to make observations about what stood in their way related to a particular problem, based on their perception.
• Wondering: Making comments that present a hypothesis or present a possible alternative perspective.

It is quite easy to fall into the trap of wanting to rescue our kids before they’ve had the chance to work through a problem on their own. Additionally, it is easy to project your emotions or criticize, especially when there is a role your child has played in the situation that has been addressed in the past. Here are a few common pitfalls that can hinder communication between parents and kids.

• Invalidating emotions: Contradicting what your child has said or “taking the other side” is a quick way to shut down a child’s willingness to share.
• Reproaching: Expressing disapproval or disappointment for your child’s actions.
• Co-signing: Agreeing with your child’s frustration can foster feelings of camaraderie for both you and your child, however, co-signing their complaint doesn’t foster autonomy or allow for problem solving.
• Sidestepping: Focusing on a detail of the situation that isn’t the main point for our child and ignoring the disclosure of emotion that was shared.
• Rescuing: Offering a solution or telling our child what they should do, eliminating their opportunity for autonomy.

[table id=24 /] Used with permission from Raising Twice-Exceptional Children by Emily Kircher-Morris, Copyright © 2022 Taylor & Francis. The book is available for purchase now. Readers of 2e News can receive 20% off the book by entering discount code FLA22 at checkout. You can learn more about author Emily Kircher-Morris here.